i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
