Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
