Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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