question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
