if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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