i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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