can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
