you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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