Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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