I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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