stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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