Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
