So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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