btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
