its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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