We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
