wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
