so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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