I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
