Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
