four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Still dying that you shit outside
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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