it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
