Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
