I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
