The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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