Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
