it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
