it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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