I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize