remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
