Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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