God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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