I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
