Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
