Don't make out with my wife yet
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize