we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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