Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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