I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
