Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
