so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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