White coat. Heels.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize