i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
