Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
