talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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