then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
