im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
