There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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