mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize