felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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