Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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