Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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