why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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