Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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