No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
