Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
