They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
