sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
