whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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