So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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