Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
