She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
