it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
