Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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