I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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