The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
