You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
