I am puke
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
