No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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