I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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