My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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