What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
