my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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