every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
