Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
